


Thought Spirals

by Infinityyyy



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Diary/Journal, F/F, Gay, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lesbian Character, Suicidal Thoughts, maladaptive daydreaming
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:54:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26374561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Infinityyyy/pseuds/Infinityyyy
Summary: Basically a diary.With a touch of maladaptive dreaming.It's thoughts I've wanted to let out for a long while. It's the cut off screams, the silent sobbing, the unbearable yet miraculously contained anger. It's publishing my thoughts just for that little bit of human interaction, even if it is to tear my mind and my work into shreds.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 2





	1. Camellia

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING : Self harm has been mentioned and seen in vivid detail in some chapters. You have been warned. This is gay fluff, and it's basically me daydreaming way too much as a coping mechanism , so much that it's merged into my actual life.
> 
> And as always, I'm here , if you want to talk. It doesn't even have to be about serious stuff. We can exchange jokes an talk about random stuff.  
> But yes. I'm here.

Midnight.  
The silence was deafening.  
It threatened to overtake completely and crush my insides.  
My heart thumped around, trying to run.  
It was cold.  
I lay with my head on Liz's stomach, her hand in my hair.  
I tried to sing a song in my head. Tried to follow the music. To be immersed in it so I won't think.

But which song?

My heart was trying frantically grab my rib cage and pull itself up now. I sat up. Pressed my palm up against my chest. Tried to remember the lyrics.

'Don't be afraid to leave your mark  
Give me the scars to remind me  
Just how good you are (how good you are)  
And if your faith turns into dark  
Pull me closer and know  
That it's enough to keep you tied down'

Focus on the drums. Focus on the color of the music. Purple, Dark magic purple bordering on mystical midnight blue. Spiralling through. Dance. Dance. Dance. See yourself twirling to the tune. Focus. Music. Color. Focus. Fo-

'H?'  
It wasn't until i felt her trying to pry my hands off my chest that I realized I'd been holding myself. She blew into my ear, making a strand of hair fly around. Nuzzled her head into my neck. Hugged me around the middle.

'I want a tattoo.'

'let's go then.'  
No asking why. No asking what. I felt her move then come back, and a pair of headphones fell onto my lap.I smiled. Felt myself warm up. Come back from the freezing. I leaned backwards and sneaked a peck onto Liz's cheek. She gave a light kiss on my lips, a small hint of peppermint.

\--------------------------

I wore a blue sweater of hers, big enough that if I hunched up it would fall off my shoulder. She wore my black coat, one I sat with and hugged when I felt panic creeping up.  
Mystery of Love. Sufjan Stevens.

We walked through random streets half drenched in shadow, silent while the maple leaves fell on us. Held Hands. Giggled and laughed. We didn't talk. Headphones in and on full volume, it was enough to just look at each other and feel magical.

'Oh, to see without my eyes  
The first time that you kissed me  
Boundless by the time I cried  
I built your walls around me  
White noise, what an awful sound  
Fumbling by Rogue River  
Feel my feet above the ground  
Hand of God, deliver me'

We stopped in the middle of the road. I stared at her eyes. Piercing blue, yet opaque that while one felt hypnotized , they'd never find out what she felt. She hid well.  
She stared into mine, a brown that was visible yet not, light but dark. It took a bit of staring to see it there, to understand that no, I could see light too, and yes, light lived in me too.

I sat on her lap at the tattoo shop, my sweater pulled down on my right shoulder, the small bit of skin on back pale in the cold, with little goosebumps. The music played on in the speaker, and the artist and us spoke and giggled about the little things, while Liz held my hands and ever so often ran her thumb along my hand, feeling the skin and the bones beneath, while I felt the tattoo pen against my bare shoulder, drawing me a little anchor to hold me to the ground and keep me sane.

A little Camellia. With two leaves on either sides. Small but not tiny. Small but not big. But very much, there.  
I felt like a flower.

'How much sorrow can I take?  
Blackbird on my shoulder  
And what difference does it make  
When this love is over?  
Shall I sleep within your bed  
River of unhappiness  
Hold your hands upon my head  
'Til I breathe my last breath  
Oh, oh woe-oh-woah is me  
The last time that you touched me  
Oh, will wonders ever cease?'

That night we skipped back to dorm, sipping coffee and spinning around, cheeks flushed, chasing each other, holding beanies to our heads, tangled up in each others headphones, laughing breathlessly and staring at blue and brown, BlueandBrown, BlueandBrown,BlueandBrown.

I don't remember going back home.I remember eyes. and smiles. Red cheeks. Clouds of vapour from our breath. Breathing loudly while we kept our heads close.

'And what difference does it make  
When this love is over?  
Shall I sleep within your bed  
River of unhappiness  
Hold your hands upon my head'

'Blessed be the mystery of love'

I woke up with a memory of glittering dark blue, cigarettes , and a pair of blue eyes.  
Dancing. Hands. Holding each others faces. Chin up. Smiling. Blue. Glitter  
I woke up from London and crashed into my bed in India.


	2. Autumn leaves, Bubblegum and Spotify.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm quite sorry that I haven't wrote about One Direction just yet, and I feel guilty for adding it in the One Direction fandom when I haven't wrote about the boys yet :(  
> But rest assured, the next chapter will be a 1D Larry story :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: There's a slight mention of self harm and anxiety, so be warned.  
> As always, I'm here if you want to talk :)  
> Listen to Only Yesterday by Taken by Trees while reading this.  
> Xx,  
> H

Sunlight streamed in through the window, splitting into rays and falling onto me as I lay on my bed, head hanging out, staring at the guava tree outside upside down, and feeling a sense of peace.

I held my hand up in the ray of light and watched it shine and sway around, mesmerized by the glow, until a bundle of silky brown hair popped into view.

Liz sat on top of me, and leaned down, hands on either side of me and head low, so that her hair fell down in waves and sheltered us both. The light shone in from in between the strands and gave us highlighted views of each other. Bold freckles. Plush lips. My brown eyes, looking at her, searching, wondering, curious but afraid, bold but shy, dreaming but defeated.

'Oh honey, I really miss you  
Oh, honey, though it was only  
yesterday you kissed me  
And that kiss, that kiss was so, so true

I guess I should know better  
When it comes to falling  
Yes, I should know better,  
When it comes to falling'

The song ended with a soft sigh.

The leaves shook their heads.  
The wind blew in sympathy.  
The birds chirped apologies.  
We looked at each other. 'Elizabeth.'

She leaned in closer, until all I saw was the ocean in her eyes, and the treasure hidden deep inside.

Water met land.  
She rubbed our noses together, caressed my face. Kept staring at me, always staring, and me holding onto her sweatshirt with a closed fist.  
Smiled.

'I've been in search of stones....' she whispered.

My heart stopped. Summer stood waiting with bated breath.

'....making out the pavement of less travelled roads.' I whispered back. Smelled her in. Held her to me.

BlueandBrown.  
BlueandBrown.  
BrownandBlue.

It's only when reality kicks in that you realize that Brown and Blue combined together made nothing. 

'Oh honey, I really miss you  
Oh, honey, if only you could hold me now  
Cause you hold, you hold me, oh so well'

I woke up to the song starting again. Breathed in. Breathed out. Summer still lived. But too strong. Too blinding. Too hostile. I stared up at the ceiling fan and cursed the silence, felt my body coming back to me. Slowly but unwillingly, I made to sit up. Which is when I notice I was holding my left arm. Cradling it.  
I sat up and pushed back the sleeves of my sweatshirt. Traced my fingers along the mess of lines marking my smooth skin.  
The sun blacked out for a second.

'Oh honey.'  
I walked from in between the music and floated to the balcony. The blank sky watched me with a smirk. I turned my back on it and pushed the earbuds of my headphones in, and settled low into my chair. Frantically clicked play on whatever series showed on the screen.

I knew Life was pounding on the door. Dreams and Ambitions begged to let them in. Panic clutched my heart and thunder cackled, nature laughing at my weakness. 

I traced my scars over and over again, clawing in hard and praying to be able to get off the chair.


End file.
